Is the pursuit of Excellence always bad? Ismatu discusses their turbulent, tumultuous, sexually tense relationship with the concepts of Excellence, which they wear on their skin like a cloak.
When I think of my personal excellence I’d like to f*ck it too. Well said and indeed all the moniessss you deserve it let’s flyyyyyy💸💸💸... of course when you feel good enough to ☺️you’ll know when you know
First of all, me coming here to this space at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday. 3:17 am as I type this.
2nd of all, you saying the very exact things I’ve been thinking and feeling recently. No exaggeration, you put such clear words to what I haven’t been able to fully understand or express yet.
Man…This is too on time. Too in alignment. This is how I know I’m exactly where I need to be right now. Super grateful for this moment. This feels sweet and exhilarating like connecting two puzzle pieces, of experiences.
"excellence is a place for work. if you're too tired to do the work, you're too tired to clear the bar." this resonated so much. this piece put words to a feeling i've had but could never express, so thank you for that. for. me, i think, while Enough was healing in many ways, there was an element of Shame present because i knew what my own Excellence was and that i wasn't achieving it. but that Shame kept me where i was at, turning me on myself and convincing me that my Excellence was unachievable for me...so why try? that's the cycle i've been trying to break. the exhaustion of living on bread but feeling terrible about gives no solid foundation to move forward. "i couldn't even bring myself to try in pursuit." that resentment turning to hatred but Shame has this death-like grip that's so hard to be free from. no matter how hard i try theres still fingers of Shame around my neck. if you can do it, why haven't you? for me i think the missing piece of the puzzle is Patience -- i haven't mastered the art of Patience and it sends me spiraling to the deep dark corner of Shame. i type all this up not looking for a definitive answer but just to voice something that i have never voiced before. how do you find Patience when it feels like all you've known is Shame?
As someone who deeply relates to your experience of not having many peers, I am just now entering my “enough” phase. I’m a year into grad school and I just need to be enough to get done. I just want to be friends with myself again, like you described. Excellence feels so foreign now, and weighty, and terrifying. My desperation to write magical stories about the queer experience feels so heavy now, I’m struggling with that metal bar. But my partner, and my family, tell me that enough is okay. I’m enough. But that high bar still hovers over my head. It’s always there. I know what I can do, I know what excellent is. The taste, my taste, has not faded, but the failing is so terrifying that I’ve found the ground a soft and comfortable place to be. Do I want to get up? Not right now. But I know I will again. Like you said, “I want to fly!” I adore you. Thank you for giving this gift of truth for me to refer to when my ass is finally tired of sitting. 💛
Sometimes you read something and you know it will stick with you for a while. That was my experience hearing this part.
"I am in a space in my life where Excellence no longer feels punishing— perfection does, and I conflated the two for a long time. Perfection is punishing by design because of its true impossibility. Excellence understands my only metric of comparison is me. I am my own standard and so Excellence is, by definition, attainable."
i listened to this on a long bus ride, staring outside with eyes wide and my hand on my sternum. i had to remind myself multiple times to close my hanging mouth.
immediately after, i shared the episode with my friends, writing “i don’t know what to make of this but this changed me”, and to another “i felt a shower of shivers throughout”, and to another “there’s a me before this and there’s a me after. god damn if i don’t take action after this”.
what i’m saying is, i don’t know what to make of this loving slap in the face, but thank you
When I think of my personal excellence I’d like to f*ck it too. Well said and indeed all the moniessss you deserve it let’s flyyyyyy💸💸💸... of course when you feel good enough to ☺️you’ll know when you know
eeee this is how i feel reading audre lorde’s uses of the erotic- it feels so recognizable and glorious and unfamiliar in all the best ways
First of all, me coming here to this space at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday. 3:17 am as I type this.
2nd of all, you saying the very exact things I’ve been thinking and feeling recently. No exaggeration, you put such clear words to what I haven’t been able to fully understand or express yet.
Man…This is too on time. Too in alignment. This is how I know I’m exactly where I need to be right now. Super grateful for this moment. This feels sweet and exhilarating like connecting two puzzle pieces, of experiences.
"excellence is a place for work. if you're too tired to do the work, you're too tired to clear the bar." this resonated so much. this piece put words to a feeling i've had but could never express, so thank you for that. for. me, i think, while Enough was healing in many ways, there was an element of Shame present because i knew what my own Excellence was and that i wasn't achieving it. but that Shame kept me where i was at, turning me on myself and convincing me that my Excellence was unachievable for me...so why try? that's the cycle i've been trying to break. the exhaustion of living on bread but feeling terrible about gives no solid foundation to move forward. "i couldn't even bring myself to try in pursuit." that resentment turning to hatred but Shame has this death-like grip that's so hard to be free from. no matter how hard i try theres still fingers of Shame around my neck. if you can do it, why haven't you? for me i think the missing piece of the puzzle is Patience -- i haven't mastered the art of Patience and it sends me spiraling to the deep dark corner of Shame. i type all this up not looking for a definitive answer but just to voice something that i have never voiced before. how do you find Patience when it feels like all you've known is Shame?
Ismatu, you make the internet a cozy and good place to be. Thank you.
As someone who deeply relates to your experience of not having many peers, I am just now entering my “enough” phase. I’m a year into grad school and I just need to be enough to get done. I just want to be friends with myself again, like you described. Excellence feels so foreign now, and weighty, and terrifying. My desperation to write magical stories about the queer experience feels so heavy now, I’m struggling with that metal bar. But my partner, and my family, tell me that enough is okay. I’m enough. But that high bar still hovers over my head. It’s always there. I know what I can do, I know what excellent is. The taste, my taste, has not faded, but the failing is so terrifying that I’ve found the ground a soft and comfortable place to be. Do I want to get up? Not right now. But I know I will again. Like you said, “I want to fly!” I adore you. Thank you for giving this gift of truth for me to refer to when my ass is finally tired of sitting. 💛
Stunning essay.
absolutely beautiful and powerful read. thank you for sharing and letting us into your world.
Sometimes you read something and you know it will stick with you for a while. That was my experience hearing this part.
"I am in a space in my life where Excellence no longer feels punishing— perfection does, and I conflated the two for a long time. Perfection is punishing by design because of its true impossibility. Excellence understands my only metric of comparison is me. I am my own standard and so Excellence is, by definition, attainable."
I really needed to read this today; thank you for being vulnerable
i listened to this on a long bus ride, staring outside with eyes wide and my hand on my sternum. i had to remind myself multiple times to close my hanging mouth.
immediately after, i shared the episode with my friends, writing “i don’t know what to make of this but this changed me”, and to another “i felt a shower of shivers throughout”, and to another “there’s a me before this and there’s a me after. god damn if i don’t take action after this”.
what i’m saying is, i don’t know what to make of this loving slap in the face, but thank you