And I felt that in my soul. As a dark black skin woman ... I can remember learning thinking I was AMAZING and then one day I understood that I wasn’t. I can remember becoming familiar with shame. All of that. And I never thought about how my complexion and features affected the love and encouragement I never received.
"Your weighted creation doesn’t stretch further than what the checks think is Beautiful, and you might even be content because at least you are not outside the party, standing there, sweltering, sniveling. Ice cream melting. Alone."
I'm really glad you pointed out the position of being desirable. From my perspective as the least attractive/ugly one in my friend groups (of black girls as a black girl), I have noticed how my more desirable friends had a complete disconnect and no capacity to understand how their desirable traits - thinness, lighter skin, looser/longer hair, clear skin, etc. - made things easier for them.
I was formerly desirable at 13-14, but as I got older, puberty hit harder and my body went through changes, I experienced people who had once treated me like anyone else or even had been fond of me and friendly towards me go out of their way to let me know they despised me because they did not find me attractive anymore, so I no longer would receive their kindness. That's when I learned of my sin of being ugly, and for the rest of my teen years I waged war on my body trying to beat it into submission, make myself more desirable, maybe even beautiful. Finally, at 21 I am relieved to stop fighting myself and finally see the enemy this whole time was white supremacy. I feel so lucky to be entering adulthood with all this literature on the violence of beauty to save me a lifetime of self-flagellation. I will no longer apologize; I am grateful for my Ugly, and for the empathy for myself and others it has granted me, for the clarity it gives. Not being able to recognize the depth of the violence of Beauty, being convinced that it is a personal failing to be ugly and that it is the responsibility of the individual to labor in beauty and earn their humanity, this is what keeps us divided and imprisoned by the tyranny of Beauty. It is to the benefit of the oppressors that we do not see one's struggle as everyone's struggle. I am so glad we are bringing this conversation beyond books and into the social media realm through its bite-sized mediums. Its such an important thing that we all need to be aware of and get into.
"You didn’t earn shit. The game of Beauty is always a negotiation and you will always, always end up at the end of someone’s beating stick."
Yes. Yes. Yes. In conversations with other white girls about capital B Beauty, the inability to recognize Beauty, too, as a construct that you have not earned, nor lacked, but simply been instilled with is so so prevalent. Constructing an identity that claims whiteness or elements of whiteness requires blinding yourself to Beauty vs beauty, Desirability vs desirability. An identity that is not composed of these elements in an anathema to whiteness--in fact, it cannot even be imagined by whiteness, let alone done.
- "You are meant punish yourself for being visible while Ugly (or others will do so for you)."
- "We vote in the Beauty pageant so that the oligarchs in charge can look fairly and judiciously elected."
These lines are gonna stick with me for a while.
It's interesting to think how even men ourselves are unable to be completely separate from the beauty game because of standards we've "elected" for ourselves. "If you can't be handsome, be buff and if you can't be buff, you're lazy." It makes me think of conversations on twitter I've seen about soft/dad bods and hard bods.
OMG, I just subscribed and when I say I was feeling lonely, this was BALM for my soul. My body felt more anchored. I could enjoy the surroundings around me because your ~VOICE~ transported me right to the friend’s apartment you mentioned at the beginning of the podcast! I’m so glad to be a part of this + hopefully able to support at larger amounts soon.
And your shares about how much the *body* is ignored and belittled in western thinking. That was something I deeply + intentionally explored over the last 4 years being a plant medicine facilitator.
I spent a ton of time in Austin, deep in the super white new age scene for about 7 years…and in that time I really started to understand just how devoid of true connection to body + how the soul and the “higher realms” were pedestalized when they had SO MUCh available to them from paying more attention to the body, being IN it instead of “with it”.
That’s when I started offering spaces that they would call “trauma-informed” but really I had less privilege to escape the immediate effects of being in my body (that could be an entire essay!).
Ugh, I could share so much here. I’m only half-way with the podcast, but I cannot thank you and gush forward my gratitude enough for this Garden Space.
hello ! I love this essay so much, it's made me think of things I've never considered before because our lives are so different w how we are situated & what bodies we occupy. a part of my experience that really resonates with your writing is how awful punjabi immigrants are treated in contrast to me, a punjabi woman with a kiwi accent. it's a strange intersection of how desirability politics align so much w what society expects the ideal poc to be and look like.
The whole time I asked myself why was this written and while others may have found their call to action and gotten the concept immediately I was still lost only up until the last 40 seconds “I want us to be honest about what all of this cost us” that might have been the most hard hitting thing to me besides “They’d kill you if they didn’t want to fuck you so bad” line boyyyy you had me STANK FACE MMM’n the whole time. What dose the constant stretch for Beauty and Desirability only to be perceived by others that are closer to whiteness and Desirability as just beautiful and desirable cost me? all of us we stand on the shoulders of people we know aren’t as Desirable as ourselves in pursuit to eat off the apple tree of whiteness and other people stand on us for the same thing and we hold each other up from undesirable to Beautiful in hopes that one day we’ll be at the top eating from the juiciest apple dripping on the head of the person below FLEXING and flaunting whiteness .. you’ve made be realize something tho I’d never want to be a the top one wrong move like you’re not on trend, you’re disabled somehow, the lip filler you payed for was botched you’re thrown down and I imagine that fall from grace has to hurt
So what did this cost me well for one the self esteem of others because I stand on their shoulders in the name of individualism and the goal of Beauty and also my own mental health and self esteem getting up everyday trying to present myself to be something decent as if I was a something that’s purpose was to be a presentation instead of someone that is just someone with my own thoughts and ideas of what is beautiful or not, not to be sold but just to be. I say this to say I’m ugly asf and I’m not trying to be no more then i already am so idc anymore
She basically said at the end, “ugly is everything you did to me in the name of beauty”
And I felt that in my soul. As a dark black skin woman ... I can remember learning thinking I was AMAZING and then one day I understood that I wasn’t. I can remember becoming familiar with shame. All of that. And I never thought about how my complexion and features affected the love and encouragement I never received.
"Your weighted creation doesn’t stretch further than what the checks think is Beautiful, and you might even be content because at least you are not outside the party, standing there, sweltering, sniveling. Ice cream melting. Alone."
I'm really glad you pointed out the position of being desirable. From my perspective as the least attractive/ugly one in my friend groups (of black girls as a black girl), I have noticed how my more desirable friends had a complete disconnect and no capacity to understand how their desirable traits - thinness, lighter skin, looser/longer hair, clear skin, etc. - made things easier for them.
I was formerly desirable at 13-14, but as I got older, puberty hit harder and my body went through changes, I experienced people who had once treated me like anyone else or even had been fond of me and friendly towards me go out of their way to let me know they despised me because they did not find me attractive anymore, so I no longer would receive their kindness. That's when I learned of my sin of being ugly, and for the rest of my teen years I waged war on my body trying to beat it into submission, make myself more desirable, maybe even beautiful. Finally, at 21 I am relieved to stop fighting myself and finally see the enemy this whole time was white supremacy. I feel so lucky to be entering adulthood with all this literature on the violence of beauty to save me a lifetime of self-flagellation. I will no longer apologize; I am grateful for my Ugly, and for the empathy for myself and others it has granted me, for the clarity it gives. Not being able to recognize the depth of the violence of Beauty, being convinced that it is a personal failing to be ugly and that it is the responsibility of the individual to labor in beauty and earn their humanity, this is what keeps us divided and imprisoned by the tyranny of Beauty. It is to the benefit of the oppressors that we do not see one's struggle as everyone's struggle. I am so glad we are bringing this conversation beyond books and into the social media realm through its bite-sized mediums. Its such an important thing that we all need to be aware of and get into.
this made my day!!! SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You didn’t earn shit. The game of Beauty is always a negotiation and you will always, always end up at the end of someone’s beating stick."
Yes. Yes. Yes. In conversations with other white girls about capital B Beauty, the inability to recognize Beauty, too, as a construct that you have not earned, nor lacked, but simply been instilled with is so so prevalent. Constructing an identity that claims whiteness or elements of whiteness requires blinding yourself to Beauty vs beauty, Desirability vs desirability. An identity that is not composed of these elements in an anathema to whiteness--in fact, it cannot even be imagined by whiteness, let alone done.
Love love love your thoughts here! YOUR BRAIN!!
Your brain sharpens mine and I thank you for that.
- "You are meant punish yourself for being visible while Ugly (or others will do so for you)."
- "We vote in the Beauty pageant so that the oligarchs in charge can look fairly and judiciously elected."
These lines are gonna stick with me for a while.
It's interesting to think how even men ourselves are unable to be completely separate from the beauty game because of standards we've "elected" for ourselves. "If you can't be handsome, be buff and if you can't be buff, you're lazy." It makes me think of conversations on twitter I've seen about soft/dad bods and hard bods.
Thank you for this very interesting piece.
Thank you. I feel so grateful to be in community with you.
OMG, I just subscribed and when I say I was feeling lonely, this was BALM for my soul. My body felt more anchored. I could enjoy the surroundings around me because your ~VOICE~ transported me right to the friend’s apartment you mentioned at the beginning of the podcast! I’m so glad to be a part of this + hopefully able to support at larger amounts soon.
And your shares about how much the *body* is ignored and belittled in western thinking. That was something I deeply + intentionally explored over the last 4 years being a plant medicine facilitator.
I spent a ton of time in Austin, deep in the super white new age scene for about 7 years…and in that time I really started to understand just how devoid of true connection to body + how the soul and the “higher realms” were pedestalized when they had SO MUCh available to them from paying more attention to the body, being IN it instead of “with it”.
That’s when I started offering spaces that they would call “trauma-informed” but really I had less privilege to escape the immediate effects of being in my body (that could be an entire essay!).
Ugh, I could share so much here. I’m only half-way with the podcast, but I cannot thank you and gush forward my gratitude enough for this Garden Space.
~
“They’d kill you if they didn’t want to fuck you so bad.” Punched me in the gut.
hello ! I love this essay so much, it's made me think of things I've never considered before because our lives are so different w how we are situated & what bodies we occupy. a part of my experience that really resonates with your writing is how awful punjabi immigrants are treated in contrast to me, a punjabi woman with a kiwi accent. it's a strange intersection of how desirability politics align so much w what society expects the ideal poc to be and look like.
The whole time I asked myself why was this written and while others may have found their call to action and gotten the concept immediately I was still lost only up until the last 40 seconds “I want us to be honest about what all of this cost us” that might have been the most hard hitting thing to me besides “They’d kill you if they didn’t want to fuck you so bad” line boyyyy you had me STANK FACE MMM’n the whole time. What dose the constant stretch for Beauty and Desirability only to be perceived by others that are closer to whiteness and Desirability as just beautiful and desirable cost me? all of us we stand on the shoulders of people we know aren’t as Desirable as ourselves in pursuit to eat off the apple tree of whiteness and other people stand on us for the same thing and we hold each other up from undesirable to Beautiful in hopes that one day we’ll be at the top eating from the juiciest apple dripping on the head of the person below FLEXING and flaunting whiteness .. you’ve made be realize something tho I’d never want to be a the top one wrong move like you’re not on trend, you’re disabled somehow, the lip filler you payed for was botched you’re thrown down and I imagine that fall from grace has to hurt
So what did this cost me well for one the self esteem of others because I stand on their shoulders in the name of individualism and the goal of Beauty and also my own mental health and self esteem getting up everyday trying to present myself to be something decent as if I was a something that’s purpose was to be a presentation instead of someone that is just someone with my own thoughts and ideas of what is beautiful or not, not to be sold but just to be. I say this to say I’m ugly asf and I’m not trying to be no more then i already am so idc anymore