A true sabbath and telling off god (universe, whatever), yes! (no smitings for me so far...) Virtual hugs in this unique but also too familiar grieving path. And you've given me, besides the huge gift of your thoughts, a new journal section: TARIG (Thoughts After Reading Ismatu Gwendolyn), though iQoTP is definitely more poetic :)
Your line “im only 25 I still want my parents” really brought me to tears. I don’t know if I ever truly let myself feel that sentiment when I lost my mom at 25, she passed from MDS which is a precursor of leukemia and a product of chemo. I’m 32 now, soon to be 33 and I still want my mom. I don’t know if I fully mourned the absence of her presence at my wedding & I often ruminate over the promise I could never keep to buy a house with a smaller house on site at which she could always be nearby & care for her grandchildren who do not yet exist.
I do not regret the “partial” mourning I have done so far. Without its partiality I would have been less present for those still with me then, and now.
So I thank you for transporting me back into my 25 y/o self to mourn with her.
In return, I (re)affirm that while it is incredibly difficult, you are right to rest. You must care for yourself to care for others, like putting on your O2 mask in an airplane before helping others with theirs.
“Without its partiality I would have been less present for those still with me then, and now.” Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this today. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
Your words are so precious and profound. Thank you for sharing them with us. You are so loved, seen and cherished. Sending so much love and strength. Wishing you all the hugs and rest.
I wish I could express fully how much I reading your writing invigorates me, but as I am on my way to work and only have a few minutes, I do just want to say one thing.
As someone about 10 years older that you, who's also had the world end many times over, I would answer that question like this:
You will only love temporary things, or you will love nothing at all. It takes a great presistance of will to keep your heart open and continue loving again and again, knowing the inevitable end we all face.
It is, in essence, exactly as you put it in your "flowery" language. I prefer to think of your words as a painting a picture, one that's full of hope in the face of difficult things. Which is why I keep coming back to your writing when I feel like I need rest and a reset.
Thank you for your words. I recently thought about cutting my mother out of my life for a variety of reasons (something I've been pondering since childhood). I'm reconsidering a lower contact option, because as you said in another piece I stumbled across (for the 2nd time) yesterday (ok God)...how can we love ourselves if we don't love our mothers? Unfortunately, it's taken impending death to bring me back to reality. My mother reached out again after no contact because my lil cousin has colon cancer. I'm wishing you and everyone here and all of our families the best. May we remember what's important. And remember to love the humanity within ourselves and others, even through all of our imperfections and the way this society leads some of us politically and socially astray.
Just remember that to Love does not mean 'to be in contact with.'
Whether you are in contact with your mother or not is not a reflection of your love for her.
Depending on how this contact makes you feel, not seeking active contact might just be a reflection of the love you hold for yourself.
Do what you must do, but don't allow yourself to be hurt in the name of love. Pondering no contact since childhood (coming from experience) is often a sign that there was a lack of emotional safety (or perhaps, physical as well.)
You can love her, and still not speak. You can love her and establish firm boundaries and keep lower contact.
Do what feels right, I just hope you won't let yourself be led by notions of what loving a mother SHOULD look like. That would be cruel to her, as well.
A mother's love holds space for distance. In its heart of hearts.
God could be saying, seek closeness with your mother, or God could be saying, seek closeness with what is Good with your mother, or God could be saying, find love for your mother no matter where you are in relation to her. You can be close in spirit.
No option is wrong, none of the possible options in regards to contact change love. None make it less or more.
I was no contact with my mother when she died.
I still believe I did myself a kindness, and if she was able to ALLOW herself to feel how I've felt (the pain) in relation to her, she'd have (in her soul at least, in a Godly way) felt very loved for me to love the both of us as I did. I was kind to the life she gave me, I was respectful of what she spent so long growing and tending to.
(My apologies if this was hurtful or inappropriate, do let me know if so.)
Much love from someone you'll most likely not talk with again,
Thank you so so much for this ❤️ I’m very low contact with my mom and if someone asked me if I loved her I wouldn’t be able to tell you an answer. I only learned what love was 2 years *after* I went low/no contact with her. Our relationship is purely transactional as she is paying for my very expensive school (and struggling to do so because we are not well off). This relationship is complicated and I struggle with it a lot. But being around her makes me feel so unloved it’s actually ridiculous. So I am confident that not talking to her is healthy for me, but when the holidays and birthdays come around, pressures arise… whew.
Anyway, this comment gave me much needed peace today. Thank you thank you🩷🩷
Your comment was not ill received. In fact I think I needed to hear it and feel honored that you responded with such depth. I have until Monday to make a decision if I want to accompany my mother on a road trip to visit my sick cousin. I will pondering your wisdom and the words of some close friends this weekend before making that decision. Thank you so much for your insight. I truly love the connections substack allows us to make. So thank you Ismatu again for opening up the possibility of this conversation. And thank you Saeida for the reminder that we cannot seek what we think love from a mother should look like. I often need to ground myself in reality and this helped a lot.
Bless you and your mama and your world Ismatu. I love you. I pray one day that my words/work have as much of a blooming, beautiful impact as yours. my admiration far, far surpasses any envy. Eat well tonight 💚☪️
As a 21 year old, yes we stay alive and keep growing…. you’re at a transition point where your teen years will be able to unfold, and sometimes it’s painful, but keep time with yourself. Even when we don’t expect another year or season or chance, it comes slowly but strongly. Be well my friend
wishing you hugs, from someone whose mum also has cancer ❤
Wholeheartedly, felt ❤️🩹❤️
🫂💗🫂
Sending the biggest hugs 🤎 🫂
A true sabbath and telling off god (universe, whatever), yes! (no smitings for me so far...) Virtual hugs in this unique but also too familiar grieving path. And you've given me, besides the huge gift of your thoughts, a new journal section: TARIG (Thoughts After Reading Ismatu Gwendolyn), though iQoTP is definitely more poetic :)
This was so beautiful 🖤 thank you so much for sharing, I needed to hear this.
sending so much love and hugs your way as you navigate this immensely conflicting and challenging time🫂❤️
Your line “im only 25 I still want my parents” really brought me to tears. I don’t know if I ever truly let myself feel that sentiment when I lost my mom at 25, she passed from MDS which is a precursor of leukemia and a product of chemo. I’m 32 now, soon to be 33 and I still want my mom. I don’t know if I fully mourned the absence of her presence at my wedding & I often ruminate over the promise I could never keep to buy a house with a smaller house on site at which she could always be nearby & care for her grandchildren who do not yet exist.
I do not regret the “partial” mourning I have done so far. Without its partiality I would have been less present for those still with me then, and now.
So I thank you for transporting me back into my 25 y/o self to mourn with her.
In return, I (re)affirm that while it is incredibly difficult, you are right to rest. You must care for yourself to care for others, like putting on your O2 mask in an airplane before helping others with theirs.
“Without its partiality I would have been less present for those still with me then, and now.” Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this today. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
thank you for this...sending love to you <3
Your words are so precious and profound. Thank you for sharing them with us. You are so loved, seen and cherished. Sending so much love and strength. Wishing you all the hugs and rest.
I wish I could express fully how much I reading your writing invigorates me, but as I am on my way to work and only have a few minutes, I do just want to say one thing.
As someone about 10 years older that you, who's also had the world end many times over, I would answer that question like this:
You will only love temporary things, or you will love nothing at all. It takes a great presistance of will to keep your heart open and continue loving again and again, knowing the inevitable end we all face.
It is, in essence, exactly as you put it in your "flowery" language. I prefer to think of your words as a painting a picture, one that's full of hope in the face of difficult things. Which is why I keep coming back to your writing when I feel like I need rest and a reset.
tldr: wholeheartedly, thank you
Thank you. I needed to hear this as well. Here’s to staying open through it all, for everything 💚
Same! Thank you ash❤️
Sending comfort your way. And a big hug. I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult.
Thank you for your words. I recently thought about cutting my mother out of my life for a variety of reasons (something I've been pondering since childhood). I'm reconsidering a lower contact option, because as you said in another piece I stumbled across (for the 2nd time) yesterday (ok God)...how can we love ourselves if we don't love our mothers? Unfortunately, it's taken impending death to bring me back to reality. My mother reached out again after no contact because my lil cousin has colon cancer. I'm wishing you and everyone here and all of our families the best. May we remember what's important. And remember to love the humanity within ourselves and others, even through all of our imperfections and the way this society leads some of us politically and socially astray.
Just remember that to Love does not mean 'to be in contact with.'
Whether you are in contact with your mother or not is not a reflection of your love for her.
Depending on how this contact makes you feel, not seeking active contact might just be a reflection of the love you hold for yourself.
Do what you must do, but don't allow yourself to be hurt in the name of love. Pondering no contact since childhood (coming from experience) is often a sign that there was a lack of emotional safety (or perhaps, physical as well.)
You can love her, and still not speak. You can love her and establish firm boundaries and keep lower contact.
Do what feels right, I just hope you won't let yourself be led by notions of what loving a mother SHOULD look like. That would be cruel to her, as well.
A mother's love holds space for distance. In its heart of hearts.
God could be saying, seek closeness with your mother, or God could be saying, seek closeness with what is Good with your mother, or God could be saying, find love for your mother no matter where you are in relation to her. You can be close in spirit.
No option is wrong, none of the possible options in regards to contact change love. None make it less or more.
I was no contact with my mother when she died.
I still believe I did myself a kindness, and if she was able to ALLOW herself to feel how I've felt (the pain) in relation to her, she'd have (in her soul at least, in a Godly way) felt very loved for me to love the both of us as I did. I was kind to the life she gave me, I was respectful of what she spent so long growing and tending to.
(My apologies if this was hurtful or inappropriate, do let me know if so.)
Much love from someone you'll most likely not talk with again,
Saeida
Thank you so so much for this ❤️ I’m very low contact with my mom and if someone asked me if I loved her I wouldn’t be able to tell you an answer. I only learned what love was 2 years *after* I went low/no contact with her. Our relationship is purely transactional as she is paying for my very expensive school (and struggling to do so because we are not well off). This relationship is complicated and I struggle with it a lot. But being around her makes me feel so unloved it’s actually ridiculous. So I am confident that not talking to her is healthy for me, but when the holidays and birthdays come around, pressures arise… whew.
Anyway, this comment gave me much needed peace today. Thank you thank you🩷🩷
Saeida,
Your comment was not ill received. In fact I think I needed to hear it and feel honored that you responded with such depth. I have until Monday to make a decision if I want to accompany my mother on a road trip to visit my sick cousin. I will pondering your wisdom and the words of some close friends this weekend before making that decision. Thank you so much for your insight. I truly love the connections substack allows us to make. So thank you Ismatu again for opening up the possibility of this conversation. And thank you Saeida for the reminder that we cannot seek what we think love from a mother should look like. I often need to ground myself in reality and this helped a lot.
Bless you and your mama and your world Ismatu. I love you. I pray one day that my words/work have as much of a blooming, beautiful impact as yours. my admiration far, far surpasses any envy. Eat well tonight 💚☪️
Hearing you speak about being 25 as a 15 year old makes me feel a bit better about growing up.
That there are people who have felt what i have felt and they’re still alive.
So thank you so much. (and i’ll go hug my mom)
As a 21 year old, yes we stay alive and keep growing…. you’re at a transition point where your teen years will be able to unfold, and sometimes it’s painful, but keep time with yourself. Even when we don’t expect another year or season or chance, it comes slowly but strongly. Be well my friend
wow ismatu. amazing email, and i hope your ability to take a big deep breath grows stronger. 🫂🫂🫶