thank you for allowing me to grieve in public (ft. Thoughts on Mutual Aid May)

the world sucks and i am tired all the fucking time; today i am eating a really great muffin.

— a quarry of thoughtless ponderments that could be entitled “i would like tea with this muffin but then i have to get up and make my legs cold :( ”—

Listen to this newsletter here!

• I am sitting in the park warming myself in the sun.

  • The weird part about grief is that it comes in waves. By the time people see it and ask oMG ARE YOU OKAY I’m like. Somewhere eating a pistachio muffin from sprouts. Grief is long-winded by nature! I’m gonna be grieving a life of complete and total privacy for the rest of my life, because i will never really have that again. It doesn’t negate the good and great things of being here with you all. I’m still grateful to be here. I never would have been here with you all had i not come out of my small perception of safety.

    • Also… because it really was only the perception of safety. I haven’t had true digital safety since I was a child, and that comes with its own set of grief. I remember what it was like to own a cellphone that was not capable of tracking you. Hell, I remember not owning a cell phone. I remember having a milkman and knowing all my neighbors and being able to be gone all day on my bike without being able to contact my mom and having all that be perfectly fine and normal and okay. It’s lots of different kinds of safety and anonymity that i am mourning. I was eight years old the first time I held an iPhone— it belonged to a Very Fancy Doctor Man/ Older White Family Friend who showed me how it could connect to the internet. Just like that! I cannot stress this enough: I had dial-up, Ethernet internet in my house until I was about thirteen. I remember what it was like to consider that magic. So now I’m Up Here and that’s grief that will be here forever; thank you all for seeing me.

  • Also I am (like a lot of us) sick of living in a world where i have to leave my grief at the door. Thank you again for letting me be all snot-nosed on mic. I can assure you it will happen again sometime!! I am a cryer!!!

    • Me!!! A cancer!!! —

      ayandastood
      , rather famously imo

    • Ayanda i love your newsletter so much everyone should be reading reimagining okay anyways

• Every time i think I’m signing up for some cute, quick, easy educational series i get knocked on my fucking ass. Mutual Aid May!!! Ha! It was cute for alliteration’s sake. I am going to be talking about this just… until. Likely forever. Maybe forever!

  • I have a syllabus mapped out and i make my cute little plans then i actually make a video or engage with the public and I realize how much we don’t know what I’m talking about. Listen!!! I am not an expert. I am not an organizer. I myself barely know what I am talking about. What I am is someone learning in public and in real time. I am being radicalized in real time and in front of you all, and I think it’s valuable for me to document my experiences diving headfirst into an active politic. I had heard of abolition quietly and under the table from my 7th and 8th grade schoolteachers (i was very lucky) and didn’t start to give it disciplined time and thought until I was in college (2016). Even then, when I thought about no more prisons, did I think about the need transformative justice? Did I think about mutual aid? Did I know those words and those possibilities? Not until a handful of years ago. Maybe three. I am a budding abolitionist and you all witnessing the first blooms of any real thought. It was and is and always will be the uneasy process of letting new things germinate. I have to remember that I am making content for 15 year old me, who (1) still exists inside me and (2) has no idea what “mutual aid” or “restorative justice” or any of these concepts are. I have to slow down and I have to be willing to go as slow as necessary.

  • There was a really lovely moment in high school where I turned to my friends and said “hey i have a question and i think it might be dumb but i have to ask.” And they were like, “what?” And I said “what does cisgender mean?” And they answered me frankly and with kindness. I was seventeen. I have to slow down. We will be talking about mutual aid until. Thank you all for bearing with me.

  • I also neglected to set up good infrastructure for this series. Why did I say “read with me!” without trying to get the text in people’s hands?? Like a plum fool.

IF YOU NEED THE TEXT MUTUAL AID BY DEAN SPADE, EMAIL ME.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SPONSOR THE PHYSICAL TEXT FOR SOMEONE ELSE ($15 including shipping) PLEASE ALSO EMAIL ME (or just send me the money with “mutual aid book” in the message THANK YOU!!)

CashApp: $isimatu

Venmo: @ismatu

Okay gr8 anyways!

• You all are getting my moment by moment updates of me being radicalized. I googled myself the other day (a mistake!!! A mistake of the highest proportions!!!) and saw people writing about my work. This is a huge honor. People are calling me an organizer— idk how to sit with this. In my head, organizers are folks that have been in the game for decades and know a lot more than I do. I was about to list all the reasons that it’s not true (and then remembered all the projects I am organizing off-screen, currently… so…. I am at a loss). I suppose it’s not… untrue? It just feels like the least correct thing you could call me. I am VERY NEW TO BUILDING THINGS. I’ve been thinking and thinking and just remembered I have to do something with all these wayward thoughts. This space is (one of) the results of my thoughts and somethings pinging around in my body. I am threading myself together for and with you all. And so: I want us to be careful about lauding me as someone that Knows Things. Please always remember that I am learning in real time.

• Someone I take inspiration from said in a talk that people don’t care about what you’re organizing for when it’s divorced from you. I realize that I keep trying to make educational content by taking myself out of the equation and that is silly and counterproductive! In a shocking turn of events, I care about the things I talk about online because they’re connected to the life that unfolds in front of me. I do you all and all of my own selves a grand disservice by trying to sanitize myself out of my work. And I also rob you of the ability to consider me critically. You all need to know about me— that’s how people connect. How do I be sad that I don’t think people see me as human when i scrub my fingerprints from my work? Ismatu don’t be daft. Lmao

  • The talk is here and also in the YouTube scare below! it may be a bit hard to just follow with your ears. I myself am watching this one twice. But it’s very very good! Stretch your brain and learn slowly!

• I spent today (this morning, in bed) reading all your comments from my videos from Thursday. Thank you all. I really (really) appreciate you going out of your way to remind me that I am capable of mattering to people I may never meet. Thank you for saying hello to me.

• Great okay i think that’s all! Thank youuuuuu goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I hope the work of your day passes through your hands with ease.

ismatu g.