reflections on: Black August fasting, working balance, one WHOLE YEAR of working for free

captioned GWRM for all who wish to enjoy <3 thank you!

hello!!

Updates from a month of fasting from no screens, including:

• quick and dirty: What Is Black August?

• how screen fasts impact my relationship with work -resting to get back to baseline vs. resting to rejuvenate (ft. Grief)

• results from The Question of Agency and Creation: why do you all pay for this work? (spoiler alert: everything is staying free)

Show Notes:

What is Black August? What is a Political Prisoner? Live from the Archives https://ismatu.substack.com/p/reflections-from-black-august-live The Original

Question of Agency and Creation on Substack

https://ismatu.substack.com/p/the-question-of-agency-and-creation The Original

Question of Agency and Creation on Patreon

https://www.patreon.com/posts/question-of-and-109247199?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

Transcript below:

BACK From Black August (00:00.746)

This about to be a peaceful live. I'm not gonna be doing no yelling, no screaming. I like the last time you all saw me I was screaming my head off about Kamala Harris. In fact, what happened was I was traveling in other parts of Africa at the time and I was doing that [live] on this like little balcony I had. and the guardsmen— there's always a guardsman, if you're staying in a compound— and in like most places in Africa, honestly have like a gate to enter where you are residing. I went downstairs later that night to like pick up some food or whatever. And he was like, did you have a party or something? I was like, what? He was like, it's just a lot of noise coming from that area. Pretty sure it's your balcony. And I was like, it wasn't a party. ’Twas just me screaming. said, I've been on the internet too long. Black August is among us. And that means that I always, always, always take screens off of Black August.

So good morning, or whatever time of day you're listening to this. It's ismatu. Back from the Dead. I'm just kidding, I wasn't dead. I was making sure that I take care of my mind and my mental space by taking steps back from social media. It is something that I think I'm going to do every year, something that I did last year. And having a planned break, it always changes the brain chemistry of what rest feels like. When I'm not resting because I hit battery level zero, when I'm resting because it's time for me to take a break. So grab your tea. I'm having Diné tea. This is, they call it Navajo tea. It's like a particular plant that grows within the four sacred mountains of Diné land in what is Turtle Island, what is colonizerly, I was going to say colloquially, colonizerly known as the United States.

This is some of my favorite tea. It's some of my favorite tea. I have some great writings to get to you all about how I got this tea. Not that you can't get it. You can get it from Biyààl Trading Post, but this tea was a gift and I'm so excited to be drinking it. All right. So I have a couple of notes. The first is on fasting. Let me take my rings off. First is on fasting for Black August. So.

BACK From Black August (02:20.618)

I always fast take the month of August off for Black August. If you are unfamiliar with Black August, I did a live last year that I'll put in the show notes of this that talked about what Black August is, what a political prisoner is, and why I'm choosing to take the month off of screens for Black August. One part of Black August fasting that isn't often talked about— okay, like I'll give you a very quick rundown just in case you have absolutely no idea what Black August is.

There were prisoners both inspired by the dedication of Islam, like in Ramadan and fasting, and also having a desire to honor other fallen political prisoners, prisoners that have become politicized in prison— so weren't necessarily there because they were intentionally crafting their humanity in ways that the state disagreed with (which is my working definition of a political prisoner), but they became politicized in prison and decided to have a dedicated time to training their minds and their bodies and their spirits alongside freedom in a setting where freedom is systematically stripped from you. Every sort of freedom, dignity and sovereignty that you could have is being stripped from you while you are in prison. So these prisoners decided that they were going to employ the four big pillars of Black August: fast train study fight. There is a fast from food and water from sunup to sundown in the same way that you fast in Ramadan. They trained their minds and their physical bodies. So they did still exercise during this time and make sure that their bodies were fit as well as their minds were sharp. They studied revolutionary figures to make sure that their their spirit was being sharpened as well as their mind And they fight like they prepare to physically defend themselves prisoners. Someone called it gladiator school I'm trying to remember who that was— I think it was Nipsey Hussle I had come… yeah, (an approximate quote) “I had just come out of gladiator school back into—” yeah, his record deal. I think that's that's where I'm getting that from.

BACK From Black August (04:38.69)

That strain study fight, something that I take very seriously, especially since being introduced to Black August by my mentors who are also political prisoners. Baba Sekou always used to call himself a semi-free, I think, political prisoner. I mean, many of these [former prisoners] get on probation, essentially, and then they have to live on probation for the next seven, eight, 10 years, five years. As 80 -year -olds, it's absurd.

So in addition to the regular fasting, one thing that the original Black August celebrants did was fast from media, fast from excess media, making sure that they had space and time separate away from the news or from whatever dominant media access they had to sharpen their minds on what they felt was important, on freedom seeking literature— things of that nature. I thought it was incredible So I did that last year I fasted from screens and I took like a hard— I mean I was like, zero screens. I told my family, call me. I will not be texting. I will not be looking at my email. I will not be watching nothing, like there’s— there's zero. It’s zero screens and that reset my brain in ways that I didn't realize that my brain was broken Then after that, instead of fasting from screens. Well, I mean I did still fast from screens this year, but it wasn't such a hard reset because I had work to do that I was intentionally procrastinating on and I did not want me saying well I'm fasting from screens as a whole to like allow me to continue to procrastinate from that work, you know? So instead of doing that I fasted from like screens for pleasure. So absolutely no social media, generally was not like obsessively checking my email and still doing nothing about it because I'm still terrible at email. The amount of times in which I see an email and be like, this is important. I'll respond later. I still had work to accomplish and work that was important, time sensitive, and still require discipline from me. But I just regulated my screen time such that I had to be done and over with by like 11 a or noon, which meant that I had to rise early.

BACK From Black August (07:00.93)

Which meant that I had to be really diligent in the ways that I was looking at screens. And I do believe that that's something that's going to follow me outside of just the celebrating of Black August. It was really incredible is an understatement. If you've never fasted from screens or if you've never taken the time to be like, even if I can't say 100 % no to screens, I'm going to be as diligent as I possibly can, and making sure that I use them as little as possible, even if I have to use them for work, I would recommend it. I did this for a month, like the full month of August, which is why you do not see me on here. It was good. I had a very good time. This year was not as like clean as the one from last year. So I'm thinking about what, cause I don't know, Black August kind of snuck up on me and I hadn't actively planned on fasting from screens again. I thought that was just going to be something I did once. And then, once I was yelling and screaming, I was like, okay, it's mostly your blood pressure is high. Your blood pressure is a little too high, beloved. You need to, we need to take a break. So was good. I was also in the mountains away from service for pretty significant portions of August as well. So that was really helpful in terms of making sure that I did not and could not overdo it if I tried. face this way, because my mic is this way. Even though the light is this way, ugh.

BACK From Black August (08:28.514)

It was a very beautiful time to be alive. And I mean, it still is. Something else that fasting from screens makes me is incredibly grateful for what goes on in my day -to -day life and circumstance. Like, it's really good.

Okay, now that that's on, ish. It looks more blended on camera than it does in real life and I promise you that. I'm not just being nitpicky.

BACK From Black August (08:58.25)

If you're completely unfamiliar with Black August again, I would recommend the live that I did last year. It's up on the substack, but, you know, I'll repost it just to make sure that it's easy to find.

Let me move this mic. So in addition to fasting from screens, I did a lot of reviewing.

BACK From Black August (09:24.34)

Reviewing of my systems, studying, the good thing about fasting from screen time, especially taking whole days at a time where I'm not allowed to look at any screens, it means that I interact with every part of my day that I would otherwise rely on a phone for. So like, if I don't need to go out and get some bagels or whatever, and I can't look at a screen to do so, that means I need to know how to get to the bagel place by myself of my own accord. If I need to write something and study something, that means I need a physical book in hand, and I need to take out my pen and paper and write it. I also, in college I was really good about this, but I've fallen off since graduate training. I used to write all of my essays for school by hand and then type them. I used to write all my essays from school by hand and then type them. And that would make sure that I, like, there's nowhere to hide when it's just a pen and paper. You can't get distracted by research. can't, you know.

be pulling big quotes out of your source text. Like it just has to be you and what you know from your own body and from your own mind. And that's a habit that I'm going to get back into because Toni Cade Bambara said this in an interview, which one it escapes me, but I know that it can be found in conversations with Toni Cade Bambara put together by Thabiti Lewis. She said, you know, I'm deadly serious with the pen. When I'm, when I'm running off at the, I can fly off the handle at the mouth, but once it is me and pen and ink, am deadly serious.

I am the same way. So it was really good for me to remember that the slow way and the way that has less distractions, the way that has less dopamine receptors, et cetera, not to demonize screens necessarily. I like technology and I think that it adds really cool things to our lives. I think it's a really cool tool. It's a tool that I have a predisposition to have addictions to. So I be mindful of it and I take conscious breaks of it to force myself to rely on my mind, what I can see and what I can remember rather than what I can look up.

BACK From Black August (11:28.524)

All right: good morning, tea, Black Media Fast, taking plan breaks, I'm going through my notes. I have like two more things on my notes.

So in terms of taking planned breaks, I hit a wall, I mean: battery level zero, do not pass go, do not collect 200. Earlier this summer, I thought I was going to just finish up a couple things real, real fast, put out the book that I've been working on, and then keep it moving. Now, this book that I announced was supposed to come out in the middle of June, and it's definitely September, and y 'all still don't have access to it.

And that's essentially because I ran out of steam. Like I was about to put out something that I wasn't 100 % on because I said I would. And that didn't feel like a good enough reason to negotiate my artistic integrity. Additionally, I didn't plan in any like breaks. And I skipped the break that I planned originally because I don't know, because it's been tough, honestly. I did not...

I'll be the first to say I didn't take a good enough break in light of how traumatic this year has been. This has been one of the best years of my life in terms of opportunity that I have access to, dreams coming true, et cetera. And it's also been one of the hardest years of my life in terms of navigating really significant loss.

BACK From Black August (13:04.073)

I did not at all plan enough time to account for how much grief took a bite of me. Grief took a bite, like just a nice big chomp. There are parts of myself that I will never get back. I always explain the way that I love people in my life, like we're all painting a collective mural. And that each person in my life has like a particular color that they bring. So once it's gone, it's gone. Like I'm fundamentally a different person. I'm fundamentally, the mural of me is fundamentally different because I don't have that periwinkle blue that Baba brought into my life. Or, and there's also like multiple kinds of ways to die.

My mother has cancer diagnosis, as I've talked about in public. I didn't give myself enough time to like contend with the grief of that, such that when it contended with me and took a bite of me, I hit battery level zero. Gone are the days in which mummy is like a vivacious, perpetually 35 year old socialite who just flicks around and does whatever she wishes and builds the plane as she's flying.

Her life takes a lot more planning and consideration from me and from her and from all of our loved ones. And that's really different than the Mama Gwen that we have previously had. Not a bad thing, not a bad difference necessarily. Like I'm grateful that she's, my God, I'm grateful that she's alive. Just point blank. I have never been so grateful. Never? No, yeah, this takes the cake, I think. She's had health crises before, but this, I've never been so grateful that she's alive.

Her being alive is more than enough for me. And also, it's a lot different. This kind of life that she's living is really different than the alive that she's previously been. You know, there's multiple kinds of ways to die. I didn't do a good enough job, just point blank, at contending with what it was going to be like to have loved ones, significant parents, mentors die like this. I had no clue. And that's just the loss that I'm only talking about in public, right?

BACK From Black August (15:23.723)

Like, it's been a lot.

BACK From Black August (15:30.272)

I was doing a poor job of balancing rest to get myself back to baseline and rest to actually rejuvenate myself. So I hit a hard wall. SoI posted “Girl! Go to Sleep” and then I took that advice. My mom was like, you sound more exhausted than me. And you know, she has cancer. It it blew me. So I said, okay, we're, we're, we're, taking a break. June was.

I in like a glorified coma. I'll say I went from bed to couch to couch to bed for like two straight weeks. I just slept. I just brought my body like back up to baseline. And then from there, I thought I'd be good. But bringing yourself back up to baseline is very different than like the rest that actually rejuvenates you. That's what August was for me. Again, I suppose it wasn't 100 % a break as in like I still had things that I was doing.

But those things were all rejuvenating. All of the work that I was contending with was rejuvenating me. And it allowed me to see what kinds of work I gravitate to when I have the energy to, versus what kinds of work I get done because they need to get done. Does that make sense? Like, in the process of healing my relationship with work and what it looks like for me and what it feels like for me in my body, I've been contending with...

What work is compulsory? Like what is the word, the maintenance of being alive, of moving forward, of being in the field that I'm in, et cetera? What's the compulsory work that just like it has to get done, whether I like it or not is irrelevant. And what is the work that I gravitate to when I have energy and nothing else to do? So that was August, like kind of re -introducing myself to what the work is when I have the energy and I can do what I want. Again, writing.

Physical, paper and pen, wow, I forgot how much I love that. It is work, it takes a lot more diligence and a lot more focus, a lot more foresight, honestly. It takes like lot more intentionality, but it's beautiful work, I like that work.

BACK From Black August (17:39.286)

So now that that's done, I don't wanna let myself get to the point of burnout that I was at. I don't wanna keep working myself that hard. It's not fruitful. The fruit that it produces is not fruit that I want for the short or long term. I don't like it. We're done with that. So what am I doing instead? I mean, ritualistic fasting is really helpful in that hard reset.

Like I said, Fasting for Black August, it continues to fix things about my brain that I didn't realize were broken. And also instituting the process of review in that season of rest helps me understand what it is about my systems that are working and what it is that aren't. First of all, even realizing that you have systems in the first place takes like active engagement, you know?

BACK From Black August (18:34.934)

Realizing like, what your systems are what your habits are how they knit themselves together what your inputs and outputs are etc., that like— it takes active focus. You have to commit to that kind of stuff. We're gonna have to hold, because I need to do my eyeliner and I can't do my eyeliner and speak at the same time. I don't know how the beauty gurus do it. I never was one that dreamed of being a beauty guru when they grew up.

Which is hilarious considering what I'm currently doing.

BACK From Black August (19:13.964)

But their ability to talk and do makeup, it's so much harder than it looks.

BACK From Black August (19:33.474)

That's not too bad. Again, it looks better on camera than it does in real life, but we'll fix it. We'll fix it. Don't worry. I also switched to a new eyeliner and I regret that decision. I'm going to have to go back and buy my regular eyeliner.

BACK From Black August (20:00.844)

This brush doesn't have enough integrity to get past my lash line.

BACK From Black August (20:15.884)

There we go. Not too shabby.

BACK From Black August (20:25.332)

One thing I reviewed, even though I read most of these comments as they were happening in real time, one thing I reviewed was y'all's comments on The Question of Agency and Creation, in which I took some time to ask the people that paid and then the people that just engage with me regularly what it is, like what.

BACK From Black August (20:51.286)

What it is that compels them to give me funds to be able to continue this, even though there's nothing exclusive about my content or nothing exclusive about the resources that I put out. I don't like to just call everything content. My art, the resources that I put out, the time, the effort, the tangible energy, right? Like the energy that I take from myself and consolidated into something that you can benefit from. What compels you to pay for that, even though I don't require payment?

And your responses really humbled me. A lot of you repeated my words back to me, which is, it's not about what we deserve, it's about what we owe to one another. Like, damn, I mean, you're right. And I do fundamentally believe that, but I guess I often think that I'm the only one that feels that way. The fact that me learning in public can change the minds and hearts of other people. There was some that said, “Previously, I would have said, I would have expected something extra from being in this space, but interacting with you has changed my mindset on that.” There were some that said, have some comments that I wanted to reference because I think a lot of people said similar things or said, yes, this, this is how I feel. Someone called Kamila, I believe, said, we do not deserve your exclusive gratitude just because we slide you a dime once in a while.

We owe the people who influence and guide us towards embracing radical change and community love something. And for most of us, one of them happens to be you. It was beautifully said. And a lot of people resonated with the way that you said that. Kamila, it was something that floored me. There's a whole paragraph there. I mean, if you are within these spaces on the substack or on the Patreon, I would encourage you to go read through these comments because like, this is something that I was told was impossible.

Being able to work for the public, being able to be donation funded, being able to work for free. All of these things I was told were impossible, most particularly in graduate school when I firmly attached myself monetarily, temporally, personally into the helping professions. And I went into therapy and kept feeling this grinding sense of dis-ease from having to charge Medicare clients to see me for therapy and I couldn't control that.

BACK From Black August (23:15.878)

And everybody around me, supervisors, professionals, professors, et cetera, were like, yeah, you have to get over that because you have to charge for your work. And I was just like, I just don't, I don't know if that's true. I don't feel like that's true. I can't, I cannot, I can't contend with the way that this makes my body feel. Like, I don't know. I don't know that I'll survive in the helping professions if the only way to survive is to charge people that otherwise can't afford it because I don't really think that the rich need more therapists.

And they're the people that I don't mind charging. I want to be accessible towards people that really need it. And the times in which you need therapeutic intervention the most is the times where you can't afford it. So I mean, it's been a full year of working for free now. Don't know if y 'all are new here, but last year I had, some would call it a breakdown, some called it manic. I personally was just living my truth. And sometimes that involves being upset. It actually kind of, this is a side note—

—sorry, I'm just feeling back in my sun spots, because they all go away when I put on concealer and stuff. This is just a note, but I personally get a bit irritated. I get a little irritated when anytime someone on the internet, especially someone, ooh, these are dirty. Anytime someone on the internet, especially someone that has a following, expresses any emotion outside of placid pleasantness gets hit with, you seem like you're having a breakdown. People like to pull out the clinical terms. I am just a human expressing like the full range of human emotion. Sometimes that includes anger, sometimes that includes exasperation, sometimes that includes exhaustion, but I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm here for a reason. I'm actually very intentional with the stuff that I post on social media. I'm a very private person. You all don't know most things about me or what I do. I like that.

It's also one of the reasons I don't have paid spaces because I think that one of the models of the internet is Paid intimacy— that you pay for for an increased knowledge on my life and kind of like a behind -the -scenes situation… and I don't really think that that's a good idea. I don't think that that does good things to my mind or mental scape I like that I'm on when I'm on and I'm off when I'm off someone else said I can't find the carbon I was looking for it this morning

BACK From Black August (25:45.634)

But someone else said, you know, if you begin to pay for your work, you will invite people that do expect more for the fact that they are paying. And is that like really the business model that you want at this point? And I said, you know what? No, you're right. Other people over time have brought up that it's not just about people that can't afford to pay that are in, you know, the Western world where $5 a month or $6 a month or however, is a lot of money to them. It's also about the people that are outside of the Western world where any amount of US currency is a lot of money. I talk about this all the time, especially in fundraising for Sierra Leone, my family's country of origin. $1 is 20 leones. It used to be 20,000 leones before the bank was just like, fuck these extra zeros money's made up. And they did it again. But like that's a big amount of money. So $6 is not a nothing fee, you know?

That's not a nominal fee. That's money that you would actively miss. That's several meals. That's groceries, honestly, for our families, $6. That's a huge amount of money. So I cannot move like it doesn't matter that this is free. I think it goes beyond principle. I think that the material output puts me in a position where I have to trust that people will continue to show up for me, even though there's no real incentive keeping them there.

And when I asked, like, how do I best say thank you? The overwhelming response was, you already show so much gratitude and I'm just grateful to be here. Someone said, where's that water comment? I pulled it up. It's not a subscription. This is from Dash on Patreon. Not a subscription. I'm just letting the water flow while I have it. I hope that eases your heart. That's beautifully said. Like these comments really, really humbled me.

I sat down and read them over and over and over over again. It was part of my process of review once I came back. So it's Monday, September 2nd. Yesterday, I was reading these comments again, preparing for this. And I just, I'm fundamentally changed by these interactions with you all because you have broken down barriers and limitations that I had in my mind on how it was possible to engage with the public. This also means that I feel

BACK From Black August (28:10.386)

stronger equipped to put out my book for free. Both the, like you will be able to get the online PDF free no matter where you are forever. It's one of the reasons that I was unable to work with a traditional publisher because they were like, this bitch is crazy. Not that I would ever allow anyone, especially people in positions of authority to call me bitch. This is my interpretation of their words, but yeah, they were like, absolutely not.

I had the opportunity to go very regular publishing route with my first debut text. And honestly, there's a lot of legitimacy that comes with being picked up by a big publisher. It's really similar to being an independent music artist versus a signed music artist. There's legitimacy and access that you have access to for going about things the traditional way. It gives you this big stamp of approval.

12 year old in me really thrives on those stances of approval. But I think about like 19, I was like, actually, no, fuck these systems. That's when I really became to, that's when I really started to become really disillusioned with academia. 19 was also when I started my research with Ebola survivors. yeah, it's free because I want everyone to read it. And if I have learned anything from providing therapeutic services for free, it's that all cost is a barrier, always. That's just the case. If you are,

If you are charging for your work, there is a barrier to your work. And if I am making a public good, this was the question of the question of agency and creation. If I am creating a public good, if I'm creating a public service where people can come learn and watch me learn, where people can have both the one -on -one and like kind of the, the, the applied methods of learning and engaging with and materializing political praxis that lends itself towards freedom, it does not make sense to charge ever all costs as a barrier, point blank. Like there's no reconciling that. So the book is free because I want everybody to read it. I want you to read it if you live in a space where US dollars are a ton of money. I want you to read it if you're 15 and you don't have access to your own money.

BACK From Black August (30:35.458)

I want you to read it if you're 62 and your government does not have competent elder care and you don't have extra money to spend on books, or it's the first book that you read in a long time and you're simply not willing to spend money on a book because you don't know if you'll enjoy it or not. I want everybody to read it. I want everybody to listen to it. That means it has to be free. Reviewing this, like...

oop, my sister's calling me. I love my ringtone.

Where my phone?

BACK From Black August (31:18.466)

Hey, I'm recording something. Let me call you back in five. I'll wrap it up.

Okay, love you. Love you, bye. Bye.

Alright.

BACK From Black August (31:35.308)

So, what was I saying? Right, everything has to be free and reading these comments really re -solidified for me why that has to be the case. Because sometimes I really do feel absolutely banana nuts. Sometimes I am really scared about like, sometimes I, the fears of capitalism, because I'm the breadwinner of my family. Essentially, I don't know how many Sierra Leoneans you know, but it's not a lot of us. And it's certainly not a lot of us that make it to the world stage.

Like I think the last Sierra Leonean celebrity or just like someone of influence... I can think of one soccer player, Chadwick Boseman got some Limba in him. Idris Elba, I believe is half Sierra Leonean. But like, you literally, it's literally a generational gap, okay? It's not just me on my payroll, it's my entire family and I have a big family. So it's a lot on my head and shoulders, you know, I'm 26. All my mama's bills are in my name at this point, because that's what it has to be. And it's not just my mother, right? It's everybody that she takes care of. It's a whole lot of people that depend on me being able to make money. So me working for free is kind of buck wild. Me giving my book away for free is kind of buck wild. I get it. However, reflections from you all, and you being honest about what it is like that you engage with in this space and why— not just humbled me, it re-solidified my feet on the ground in why this work is important and why it always has to be free. And this is not to say that I'm going to be engaging in a donation stronghold forever. This is just the work that was most important to me and it's the work that I wanted to start first. I believe in enterprising, I believe in business, I don't believe in sponsorships, I'm not going to sell my word to sell someone else's product. However, like...

BACK From Black August (33:37.226)

You know how many times you have asked me, when are you starting a tea business? I beg, wait. That requires a lot for me. Like in terms of doing it ethically, that would mean that it's not a, that's not something that I would ever just like buy wholesale tea with, blend it myself and then ship it out. I mean, I could do that and I'd make a cute buck doing that, but that requires a lot of exploitation on the side of the farmers. Cause tea is a luxury good. And we still run on plantation bottles when it comes to tea across the world. So like.

These things take time to be able to do business the way that I want to do it. It takes time, which means that this infrastructure needs to be solid enough to take care of me and my family. So the fact that it is like.

Thank you doesn't really feel strong enough, but it's the most literal truth that I have. I am so filled with appreciation. Not to get all woo woo, I mean, y 'all know I'm religious, but like, this just feels like the manifestation of the glory of God. I just like...

BACK From Black August (34:42.1)

I continue to underestimate what is possible and then God has chosen to you, you all the people to refix my eyes on how wide and deep freedom can go. So thank you.

BACK From Black August (35:02.152)

Alright, that's all. Thank you very much.

I gotta call my sister back. If you're watching this live, thank you. I appreciate it. Sorry I wasn't answering your questions. This is just somewhere I needed to get on and talk. And it is helpful for me to talk to people that I know can hear me in real time. And then also people that I know can hear me whenever you are choosing to watch this. Yeah. Thanks so much. Happy to be back. Have a good rest of your day. Bye.